Letting go

Coming Home

Grief – a hollow dry pain down my throat
An emptiness birthing anxiety
For the ones I love
I pray to be the first to go
Unable to bear losing them

I walk caught in my own web
That I am the center of it all
My worries, my loves, my fears
But when I become one with the dust
Did any of it hold?

Someone laughs in the next room
A decision gets made without me
The sun does not wait
No one pressed pause
Life simply moved on

And when I sit with that –
What begins as a flutter
Quietly opens
Into something I have always known
A stillness
So new and yet the oldest thing
Like coming home
To what was always there

Breaking the Cycle

I am caught in turbulent water,
thrown against rocks –
Panic rising:
Will I get hurt this time?
Will I escape?
Will I choose something different,
or drown in the same cycle again?

The current pulls me under,
again and again –
proving, performing, trying to show
I am worthy of being here.

The same waters, the same rocks –
they return until I learn.
Sometimes these aren’t even mine –
cycles passed down through generations,
waiting for someone to finally break them.

Until –
I see it: a choice.
Stillness.

The voice – the sly one, dressed as fear
takes over, masking behind persuasiveness.
Before I realize, I feel defeated.
I’m caught in my pattern.
I recognize the cycle.

The frustration rises.
I’m drowning again.
But then, I pray for help and surrender.
“Please help.
Help me be gentle with myself.”

And I feel it –
the courage to move on.

Again,
the rocks,
the panic,
the realization:
a choice.

This time, I pray.
I stay in the presence.
I ask my inner wisdom to guide me.
I trust.

And I choose what wisdom shows me.

Then –
a fresh breeze.
Sunrise filtering through leaves,
golden and simple.
Birds singing.
The smell of damp earth.
I feel safe.
At Peace.

The forest holds me gently.
I am no longer proving, performing, drowning.
I am simply here.

I have chosen differently.

Filling Space

Storm clouds gather in my throat –
quiet ache, a cold that won’t move.
Each word I choose feels like a step on thin ice.
The space between us hums,
static,
tired,
unforgiving.

“Let it be,” says a voice –
not the one rooted in peace,
but the sly one,
the one dressed as kindness,
telling me to fill the silence,
to soften myself,
to keep the peace at any cost.

So, I do.
I fill space with words that aren’t necessary.
Try hard.
Bridge the distance with explanations
when all that was needed
was quiet truth.
Respect that doesn’t need to prove itself.

And even when I speak my truth,
I rush to smooth it over –
making sure you’re comfortable,
that harmony remains.
I manage reactions that haven’t happened yet,
compensating for pain that could have come from honesty,
cushioning my own voice.

And beneath it all –
a small ache burns:
Why can’t I just be liked?

It’s not pride asking.
It’s the child – the one left unseen
when the room filled with noise and chaos.
The one who learned that safety
came from being agreeable.
Grief, dressed as gentleness.
Anger, hiding behind persuasiveness –
because sadness sounds more agreeable,
more passive,
less threatening.

Then, the weight returns.
The knowing:
I’ve done it again.
Square one.
The frustration of the cycle repeating.

And something soft opens –
a whisper, this time honest:
Help me.

Help me stop gripping.
Help me remember –
everyone walks their own path.
Help me loosen
the need to fix,
to please,
to control.

Right now – this moment –
is enough.
I can start again.

Let it go.
Breathe peace in.
Let gentleness find its way back.
One more time,
I choose calm.
I choose presence.
Now.