I have struggled with clinical depression for the last few years and I hit rock bottom last year. Feeling hopeless, enveloped with fear and anxiety, I found it very hard to move from my bed. Days were just getting harder and I was in a downward spiral. I hardly slept, could not focus at my work and felt I did not have control over my life.
One day, I decided to run as a way to feel better from my intense pain. What started off as a temporary relief slowly became a habit and a source of comfort during those hard times. Running was a way for me to get away from my sadness, loneliness, and fear. I remember many days when I would just burst into tears as I ran and did not hold back on the tears. The more I cried, the faster I ran and the more distance I covered.
One of the blessings I had during this time was my family as they were very supportive and did not judge me for what I was going through. I started to see a therapist. I was determined to take better care of myself through proper diet, exercise, and my meditation practices without any medication. I did what I could everyday. They were baby steps. Some days it felt like I took many steps backwards. However, I woke up everyday before sunrise, wore my shoes and stepped outside for a run. During the run, I told myself to start the day as a new day and I self talked into making those baby steps towards a happier self. I felt I had no other choice. I had to do this for myself.
I started enjoying being more in nature. I felt happy looking at the massive trees and listening to the happy chirping of the birds as I ran.
While I have always believed that trees have a magical healing power, I started to experience it first-hand. I was particularly attached to this one big tree that I met everyday on my run. It stood tall, strong and lean. I would stop in front of the tree, be in meditative silence and prayed to be strong, grounded and gentle just like this tree. I felt a friendly and a spiritual connection with this tree and gave him a big hug everyday. Physically hugging the tree made me feel joyful, energized and supported.
I am doing much better now when compared to last year. I am happier, more content and more present in my daily life. I continue to run everyday, eat better, and spend time with my meditative practices. Within the last year, I am making conscious choices for my mental health. I switched jobs from a leadership role to an individual contributor role, so I can reduce my stress at work. I do go through my ups and downs but I feel more grounded, calmer and more at peace in my heart. I am gentle with myself through the process of my sadness or pain knowing I will feel better very soon.
This year, I ran my first 5K marathon and now practicing for my 10K. I am in much better physical shape and mental health than ever before in my entire life. I have a whole different value for happiness, self care and appreciation for little things in my life now. Life may seem to hit the lowest point but it has also taught me to keep looking forward and to take one baby step at a time as the choice of peace and happiness is always within us.
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