Living in Presence

Finding Myself in Silence

For years, I struggled with depression and a deep sense of loneliness. I attributed my discomfort in large groups to my traumatic childhood, believing this was the sole reason I felt so disconnected when others seemed energized by company. Others would comment on my reserved nature, making me question if something was wrong with me.

I had always been someone who could spend hours simply gazing at nature. While others found it odd, I found complete peace in these quiet moments with trees, birds, and the sky. I confused this natural inclination for solitude with depression, thinking perhaps I just wasn’t interested enough in being sociable. Yet paradoxically, I felt deeply lonely – a contradiction that tore at me. How could I both cherish solitude and yearn for connection?

Living with depression was like carrying a heavy burden – the pain, the confusion about who I was, the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone. To escape all of this, I often filled my moments with noise – television shows playing continuously, many podcasts one after another. Anything to avoid sitting with the silence and my own thoughts.

Then came a time when something shifted through my meditation practices and the guidance of my Spiritual Teacher. I chose to step away from these distractions and simply be with myself and our Creator, moving through household tasks in quiet presence.

In this gentle time alone, I discovered something beautiful.

There’s a depth in silence with our Creator that nothing else can match. As the usual busyness fell away, a new clarity emerged. The mental fog that often clouds our days lifted, and my heart found its way more naturally to prayer and presence.

Sadness visited too, in a way I hadn’t experienced before. But this time, I stayed with it differently – sharing openly with our Creator. My prayers became deeper, more heartfelt, asking for help with forgiveness, both to forgive and be forgiven.

Through these prayers and silence, I began to understand something profound – the recognition that living like a hermit, even while surrounded by family, can be a blessing when lived in devotion. In this quiet space, I found myself speaking less and listening more. The usual pull toward reactions softened, making it easier to turn toward divine love instead.

In these moments, I felt myself again – perhaps for the first time in lifetimes. It was different from anything I’ve known in this life. This feeling goes beyond belonging to a group or finding people who understand you.

I’ve finally accepted something about myself: I am someone who finds deeper connection in quieter ways. This love for solitude isn’t something to fix or change – it’s simply who I am. What matters isn’t the number of connections, but the ability to be fully myself, even if it’s with just one kindred spirit.

Finding and Following Your Heart’s Message

There are moments in life when wisdom finds us exactly when we need it most. Recently, a friend’s words on Facebook deeply resonated with me:

Everyone has a unique message that is much bigger than themselves… It is only when you put your message ahead of you that you can truly create an impact. At that point, the message itself carries you farther than you’d ever hope to go by yourself.

Reading those words, something moved within me. I’ve always felt this gentle pull in my heart to do something meaningful, to give back somehow. Even with the joy of raising my two beautiful boys and sharing life with my husband, I felt this whisper of something more.

Looking back now, I smile at how everything unfolded. Before I even knew about Reiki Tummo or attended my first Open Heart workshop, before I met my spiritual teacher – that calling was already there, soft but persistent. Like a friend gently tapping on my shoulder, waiting to be noticed.

A personal growth workshop led me to a teacher who would become a dear friend. She helped me articulate what my heart had long known, guiding me to craft my first Mission Statement and introducing me to the transformative power of service through volunteering.

Following my Heart’s calling led me to Reiki Tummo and eventually to my spiritual teacher, Mr.Irmansyah Effendi.

Looking back, I see how each step was divinely orchestrated. The Creator’s love manifests in remarkable ways – when we hear His plans in our hearts and embrace them wholeheartedly, He illuminates the path before us.

These days, when I’m out there following what my heart calls me to do, something beautiful happens. I feel so close to Him, like a child wrapped in their parent’s love. All those worries that usually buzz around in my head just… fade away. Joy bubbles up from somewhere deep inside. I feel loved, completely and totally, and that love just spills over into everything I do.

This journey has taught me that our truest purpose often lies in surrendering to something greater than ourselves. When we align with our heart’s message and let it guide us, we become channels for a love that transforms not only our lives but touches countless others.

In the end, perhaps that is the greatest gift of following our heart’s message – the discovery that in giving ourselves to something larger, our small self naturally dissolves into a boundless peace that knows no limits.

A Lesson About Truth

Sometimes wisdom finds us in the most ordinary moments. There I was, just scrolling through Facebook one afternoon, when I saw it – a picture of Gandhi with his words about truth. It stopped me in my tracks and made me think about all the times I’ve struggled with speaking my truth.

You know how it goes – those moments when you need to say something important to someone you care about, something that might hurt a little but needs to be said. For years, my pattern was so predictable. I’d share my truth, see the hurt in their eyes, and immediately say “Sorry.” It felt like the right thing to do at the time, this little word that was supposed to soften the blow.

But oh, how that backfired. Instead of focusing on what really mattered, the conversation would shift: “There you go again, saying hurtful things and then just saying sorry.” My attempt to be kind was actually undermining the important things I needed to say.

It’s funny how a simple quote can suddenly make everything so clear, showing you a better way forward. I guess that’s how wisdom works – it waits patiently until we’re ready to receive it, until we’re in exactly the right place to understand.

I’m holding this lesson close to my heart now, accepting it with gratitude. Do I know if I’ll get it right every time? Probably not. This is more of a journey than a destination, I think. But I’m making a promise to myself – to practice this new way of being, to learn how to speak truth with both courage and love.

And when it feels too hard (because sometimes it will), I’m learning to surrender it to God, asking for help to find that sweet spot where truth meets kindness. To be strong enough to stand in my truth, gentle enough to deliver it with love, and wise enough to know the difference.

It’s a practice, this dance of speaking truth. Sometimes we’ll step on toes, sometimes we’ll float gracefully through. But maybe that’s okay – maybe that’s exactly how we learn to be both honest and kind.

Learning to Let Go

I’ve been thinking about an old story from the Mahabharata lately, one that keeps coming back to me. It’s about Karna and Duryodhana, two friends bound by loyalty. Karna, given away as a baby, grew up facing endless whispers about his birth. In Duryodhana, he found more than just protection – he found validation, someone who made him feel seen and worthy when others looked away. This validation created such deep gratitude in Karna that he stayed, even as Duryodhana walked a darker path.

Sitting with this story, I began to see something in myself. We all have our own version of Duryodhana, but it’s not another person – it’s a voice inside us. I’ve come to know this voice well. It validates every hurt, justifies every reaction, makes every emotion feel right and true. Just like Duryodhana did for Karna, this voice makes us feel understood, making it harder to see how it slowly leads us into darkness.

At first, it feels like comfort. Like having a friend who always takes your side, who has an explanation for every emotion, a reason for every reaction. But lately, I’ve noticed something about this inner voice – it never lets me move forward. Instead, it keeps me centered in my own story, making everything about me, my hurts, my reactions. When I listen to it, I sink deeper into darkness, into fear and anger that feel impossible to escape.

The strange thing is, even when I realized this wasn’t helping me grow, I found myself so deeply entangled with this voice that I couldn’t tell where it ended and I began. It had become such a part of my identity that the thought of letting it go felt like losing a piece of myself. I was stuck, not because the voice was helping me, but because I had forgotten how to exist without its constant validation.

But here’s what I’m learning – letting go doesn’t have to be a battle. Just like a plant withers without water, this part of ourselves grows quiet when we stop feeding it our energy. We don’t need to fight it. We just need to gently turn away, to say, “I understand you were trying to protect me, but I don’t need this protection anymore.”

Sometimes I still hear that voice. But now I know I have a choice. I can either get tangled in its story of hurt, or I can simply return to this moment, where life is actually happening. It’s like stepping out of a dark room into sunlight – suddenly everything is clearer, more alive.

In these moments of clarity, I feel closer to something bigger than myself. Not lost in yesterday’s pain or tomorrow’s fears, but here – where peace lives, where love flows, where I can finally be who I’m meant to be.

I’m discovering that true freedom isn’t just about breaking free from that voice – it’s about releasing ourselves from all these stories we’ve wrapped so tightly around ourselves. When we stop making everything about us, stop needing that constant validation, something shifts. We find ourselves able to move more freely, to see beyond our own small world of hurts and reactions.

And when that old familiar voice comes back? I remind myself: I don’t need to push it away. I don’t need to feel stuck in its grip. I just need to let it be, while choosing to stay here, in this moment, where life is actually happening.

Running to a happier self

I have struggled with clinical depression for the last few years and I hit rock bottom last year. Feeling hopeless, enveloped with fear and anxiety, I found it very hard to move from my bed. Days were just getting harder and I was in a downward spiral. I hardly slept, could not focus at my work and felt I did not have control over my life.

One day, I decided to run as a way to feel better from my intense pain. What started off as a temporary relief slowly became a habit and a source of comfort during those hard times. Running was a way for me to get away from my sadness, loneliness, and fear. I remember many days when I would just burst into tears as I ran and did not hold back on the tears. The more I cried, the faster I ran and the more distance I covered.

One of the blessings I had during this time was my family as they were very supportive and did not judge me for what I was going through. I started to see a therapist. I was determined to take better care of myself through proper diet, exercise, and my meditation practices without any medication. I did what I could everyday. They were baby steps. Some days it felt like I took many steps backwards. However, I woke up everyday before sunrise, wore my shoes and stepped outside for a run. During the run, I told myself to start the day as a new day and I self talked into making those baby steps towards a happier self. I felt I had no other choice. I had to do this for myself.

I started enjoying being more in nature. I felt happy looking at the massive trees and listening to the happy chirping of the birds as I ran.

While I have always believed that trees have a magical healing power, I started to experience it first-hand. I was particularly attached to this one big tree that I met everyday on my run. It stood tall, strong and lean. I would stop in front of the tree, be in meditative silence and prayed to be strong, grounded and gentle just like this tree. I felt a friendly and a spiritual connection with this tree and gave him a big hug everyday. Physically hugging the tree made me feel joyful, energized and supported.

I am doing much better now when compared to last year. I am happier, more content and more present in my daily life. I continue to run everyday, eat better, and spend time with my meditative practices. Within the last year, I am making conscious choices for my mental health. I switched jobs from a leadership role to an individual contributor role, so I can reduce my stress at work. I do go through my ups and downs but I feel more grounded, calmer and more at peace in my heart. I am gentle with myself through the process of my sadness or pain knowing I will feel better very soon.

This year, I ran my first 5K marathon and now practicing for my 10K. I am in much better physical shape and mental health than ever before in my entire life. I have a whole different value for happiness, self care and appreciation for little things in my life now. Life may seem to hit the lowest point but it has also taught me to keep looking forward and to take one baby step at a time as the choice of peace and happiness is always within us.